And you mustn’t say or do anything to undermine their connection, however tenuous, with their family of origin.

You can show it to them, every day and in many ways, for years to come.

You can’t-or rather, you shouldn’t-tell them that you “want” them to think of you as family. If you are still unwaveringly there for this young person as they grow up and begin their own adult life, perhaps with a partner and children of their own, they may indeed come to think of you as the family who helped get them to that point, and of their own children as part of your family too. And it takes a whole lot more than providing room and board, as I imagine you know. It may take years before the teenager you’ve made room for in your home-and life-thinks of you as family. For this 16-year-old, no matter how many and how troubling their “biological” family’s problems may be, this matter of loyalty and devotion is much more complicated than you are making it out to be. But it isn’t reasonable to expect this child to embrace you as their “family” as quickly and enthusiastically as you have apparently decided they are to you. I want to say this next part very gently, because there is absolute goodness in what you have done, and I do recognize and honor that. So, bottom line: if you have told her you’re sorry and you mean that you are sorry, stop apologizing. But it also doesn’t mean that the harm we unintentionally caused isn’t real. That doesn’t mean we’re terrible people, or terrible parents. Repeat this (to yourself) as necessary, until you really feel it, until it means something to you beyond “I’ve apologized! What more do I need to do?” I think there is a good chance we all do our children harm without meaning to-sometimes even when we have the very best intentions. You did what you felt you had to do, you didn’t realize that it caused your daughter pain, you deeply regret the pain it caused her and continues to cause her. And one heartfelt apology is way more meaningful than multiple not-entirely-sincere ones. Defensiveness about it, doubts about it, rationalizations about your own choices-none of that will help any of you move forward. Of course, first you do have to truly recognize (and not just give lip service to) Taryn’s experience of her childhood. It’s good that you’re asking the question: where do we go from here? Because that’s really all you can do now that you know. We knew Taryn was introverted and struggled to make friends but didn’t realize she felt so ostracized and friendless for most of her teenage years. My husband is high up in the corporate world and we moved roughly every two years so he could take on new roles that resulted in much higher income for our family. It seems she is “anxiously attached” in relationships because she was bullied and left out repeatedly as a child, particularly in middle and high school, thanks to our frequent moves around the country. Well, this therapy has now uncovered a host of issues that Taryn has blamed us for. She’s been through a spate of breakups over the past few years and has sought therapy, which of course we support because we want her to be happy and healthy. My husband and I have a 26-year-old daughter, “Taryn” (and a younger son, but our daughter is the focus of this letter).

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